The Hardest Thing to Do
by CathyD
Summary: Buffy has a tragedy in her life, and needs the only man she's ever really loved. Can he help her, or will he have to do the hardest thing to do? OK, I suck at summaries so I'm just going to say, if you don't like BA, don't read it.


_The Hardest Thing To Do_   
Written By: Cathy

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. Wish I did, but I don't. Songs are by Sophie Zelmani and 98 degrees.**

**Spoilers: S4/1 somewhat, there are only small facts about a few different episodes. Nothing major though (I think).**

**Summary: Buffy has a tragedy in her life, and needs the one man she's ever truly loved. Can he help her, or will he have to walk away?**

**Feedback: Pllleeeeassse? I would love to know what you thought of the story. cdblaw17@aol.com**

**Author's notes: Takes place two years after the season 4/1 finalies. Buffy never went to LA during Sanctuary though, so she and Angel didn't fight, so he obviously didn't go to Sunnydale in TYF. Gunn joined the team, and Spike is in LA helping Angel. Oz came back after only a month, so Tara's not in the picture (at least not romantically). Buffy was only with Riley for a couple of months, before he was killed while on patrol with Graham and Forest. I think that's all story plot wise. I had this thought running through my head EVERY time I heard this song, so I had to finally write it, so it'd leave me alone. **You may not like this one, if you're a diehard B/A fan, but please don't want to kill me. I love B/A as much as you, but this story HAD to come out. Trust me, it hurt me to write it, but I had to.****

**Rating: PG-13 *for one word***

**Caution: _ANGST AHEAD_**

**Words in-between * * are thoughts, and words in italics are lyrics.**

************** 

**(The date is May 2, 2002)**   


**Angel walked into the Bronze, and stopped. *What am I doing here?* Sighing, he glanced around the room, looking for HER. He knew that she would be here tonight.**

**Willow had been keeping him informed of everything she went through for the last two years. He hadn't seen her since she'd come to LA that fateful Thanksgiving day. He'd done as she'd asked and hadn't come back, giving her her time to forget. If anything serious ever came up in Sunnydale, he sent the rest of the crew; Cordy, Wesley, Spike and Gunn to help out. This worked for everyone, as they all wanted Buffy to be happy.**

**Willow had sent him regular e-mails, weekly, and Giles called monthly, to check on the LA gang. Even though they were in different cities, they functioned as a well oiled machine. Always sharing information, and a hand physically, when needed.**

**Sunnydale had never been safer, and LA had seen a good decrease in demon activity. Word had quickly spread that both cities were being protected by the Slayer and Angelus. There weren't too many demons who were foolish enough to take on either of these adversaries. They knew that they couldn't beat them.**

**He finally spotted her, talking with Xander and Anya. She didn't look too happy to be there. *She's still hurting over that jerk. He's lucky that he's already dead, or I'd kill the bastard. Slowly and painfully.***

**Willow spotted Angel as soon as he walked in the door. *He came. Good.* she thought with a sigh of relief. She walked over to him. "Angel."**

**"Hey, Willow." He said with a smile. "How are you?"**

**"I'm good. How's everyone in LA?"**

**"They're good. Cordy got a small part in a play." She had improved quite a bit in the last two years. "She's real excited about it." He said with a smile. "Kate's doing well at the moment. Feeling stronger, though they're not sure how long it will last. And Megan..... she's getting so big. She's already crawling. I can't believe it."**

**Willow noted how his eyes lit up when he talked about Megan. *No father could be prouder. Angel's an amazing man, to love her the way he does.* She gave him a smile. The smile dimmed as she said, "She's not handling it very well Angel. She's in a lot of pain."**

**"I know," he said quietly. He had always been able to feel her emotions, even when he was in LA. He had felt her pain and sorrow for weeks, but had only now been able to get away. To come see her. "I can't do much for her Will. I wish I could, but right now, my priorities are in LA. I'm only here for about an hour. I have to get back before she wakes up."**

**"Angel, any time you can give her will help. She just needs to feel loved, if only for a few minutes. She needs someone to hold her, and tell her that she's special." Willow glanced at Buffy, then back at Angel. "I know that you still love her. She needs to feel that love Angel. Please, if only for an hour, ten minutes even, let her feel your love."**

**"I'll always love her Willow. I don't want to hurt her even more though. Are you sure it will help? Seeing me won't hurt her worse?"**

**Shaking her head she took his hand. "No. It will help her. Really."**

**Together they turned, and headed over to the table where Buffy sat. Buffy was sitting with her back to them, so she didn't see them coming. As Angel stepped up behind her, she suddenly felt him, and froze. Slowly she lifted her head from looking at her drink, and turned to look at him. Eyes widening, she whispered, "Angel?"**

**"Yeah, I'm here," he said. Suddenly, Buffy threw her arms around him, and he instinctively put his arms around her, and reveled in the feel of her. *Oh, Buffy. I've missed you so much.* Angel closed his eyes, trying to fight down his raging emotions.**

**Buffy looked up at his face, not daring to believe that he was really here. She hadn't seen or heard from him in two years. She knew that Giles had kept in touch with him, as anytime they needed help he sent Cordy, Wes, Spike and Gunn. Likewise, if they needed help Xander, Giles, Willow and Oz would go to LA to help them out. They always said they could handle it, while she stayed on the Hellmouth.**

**Angel had done as she'd asked, and stayed away, giving her the time, and space, to forget. The only problem was, that she couldn't forget him. Her marriage had suffered because of it too. Jared had always known that there was someone from her past that she wasn't over, but she'd never told him the whole story. She couldn't.**

**She felt the tears forming in her eyes, and looked down at the floor, willing them to go away. She didn't really want Angel seeing her this way. She heard the sound of chairs scooting back, and from the corner of her eye saw her friends walking away. One part of her was grateful they were giving her and Angel their privacy, but another part of her was afraid to be alone with him. She didn't know what to say, and the silence was becoming unbearable. "So......... What brings you to Sunnydale?"**

**"You." Quickly Buffy's eyes returned to his, and he could see the different emotions flashing across her face. Shock, hope, joy, love, and fear. He understood all of them. She had been hurt badly and was afraid to hope he was really there for her.**

***Me? Why would he be here for me?* "Why?" She heard herself ask.**

**"Because Willow said you needed me," he said simply. "I had to come Buffy, I'm sorry."**

**A slow song had started playing as he was speaking and Buffy recognized it. It was the song that had been playing here the night she and Angel had shared their second kiss. What was supposed to have been their good-bye kiss. "Dance with me? Please, Angel?"**

**_It's daybreak, and you are asleep._**   
**_I can hear you breath now,_**   
**_Your breath is deep._**   
**_But before I go,_**   
**_I look at you one last time._**   
**_I can hear a heart beat,_**   
**_Is it yours, or is it mine?_**

**Angel took her hand, and led her out onto the dance floor. Taking her into his arms, he started to gently sway to the music. He and Buffy sighed in contentment, enjoying being in each others arms once more. *It feels so good, holding her again. I've missed this.***

**_I look at your lips,_**   
**_I know how soft they can be._**   
**_Did they know what they wanted,_**   
**_The times they kissed me?_**   
**_And your hands, that I held in mine,_**   
**_Now they are posed on the pillow._**   
**_Will they ever miss me sometimes?_**

**_I'll remember you, you will be there in my heart._**   
**_I'll remember you, but that is all that I can do,_**   
**_But I'll remember._**

***Oh, Angel. It feels so good to be in your arms again. I've missed you so much. Why did we stay apart for so long?***

**Together they swayed, and let the song bring back memories of the past. They had tried to say good-bye once, while this song was playing. They had known that a relationship between them was impossible. They had tried to stop it, before it started, but they just couldn't stay away. Their love had been forbidden by nature, but they had been unable to stop it. Despite their roles in life, vampire and slayer, they had fallen head over heels in love.**

**Both thought back to the kiss they had shared that day. The bittersweet taste of each others lips. Remembered the pain, that each had felt deep down at the thought that they would never see each other again. Buffy remembered how her knees had felt like Jell-O as she had turned and walked away. While Angel remembered the pain of the burn Buffy's cross, the cross he himself had given her not too long before, had made in his chest during the kiss.**

**The kiss had been so incredible, that he hadn't really noticed the pain, until she had stepped back, and then, it had hit him like a train. He hadn't let her see it though, as he didn't want the potentially last memory she had of him, to be of him in pain. He could sometimes still feel that pain, as if it were still fresh, and he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. That kiss had meant so much to him, as did every kiss they had shared after. He could remember every one of them too, very clearly.**

**_Your eyes that always make me shiver,_**   
**_Now they are closed, they sometimes twitch a little._**   
**_And your body, I could hold for an hour,_**   
**_It sent me to heaven, with its speed and power_**

**_I'll remember you, you will be there in my heart._**   
**_I'll remember you, but that is all I can do._**   
**_But I'll remember._**   


**When the song ended, they slowly pulled apart, and looked into each others eyes. They each saw such love shinning in the others eyes, that they couldn't speak. Words were never needed between them though, they had always been able to read what the other was thinking. They were open books to each other. As one, they walked over to a corner table, away from the crowd of young people.**

**Sitting side by side, hands clasped, they just enjoyed being together. Finally Buffy spoke, "So... how have you been? I haven't talked to you for a long time."**

**"I'm good. Staying busy. Cordy's got a new part in a play. Wes and Gunn are busy with work. They take a lot of lighter cases in-between the heavier, more dangerous ones. Spike... well he's Spike." He didn't know if he should tell her about Kate and Megan. *Did Will already tell her? I never told her NOT to tell her, so I wonder if she did.* He decided to go ahead and talk about Megan, and watch for her reaction. "Megan's getting so big, I can't believe it." He saw confusion in her eyes. "Kate's doing better. She's getting a little stronger, but the doctors don't know if it will last." *She doesn't have a clue as to who, or what I'm talking about. Great.* He sighed, wondering if he would be able to tell her.**

**Buffy offered him a small smile. "I'm happy for Cordelia. I know she's been working hard for this kind of chance." *Who is Megan, and Kate? Should I ask him, or see if he offers an explanation?* "I understand the Spike thing. He never changes does he?" She could think fondly of him, now. He had helped them out several times, before moving to LA to help Angel. Sometimes she actually found herself missing him. She'd never admit it to anyone though. "I'm really glad things are going well for you." She couldn't look up at him though, as she said this. She was afraid of what he might -- no- what he would-- see in her eyes.**

**"Thanks." He didn't know what to say to her. He could feel the pain rolling off of her. He didn't want to add to it, by telling her about Kate and Megan, so he decided that she wouldn't know. He would leave in a few minutes, and never have to tell her. He hoped. "Buffy... I'm so sorry for how things turned out for you. I hoped that Jared would be the man to give you everything you wanted." He saw her tense up at the mention of her former husband. "Buffy, you know I'm here for you, if you need to talk. Let me help you."**

**She slowly brought her head up to look at him. The tears were falling now, as she wondered where to start. She figured that someone would have told him about Riley and Jared at some point in time. She wondered just how much they had told him, though. "I know. Thank you." She glanced down at her hand, the one that just weeks ago had sported a gold wedding band. *Three short weeks. He's been gone three weeks, but it feels like a lifetime already.* "Well, where should I start? My bad luck with men just kept going after you left me." She couldn't help the bitter tone that had entered her voice. She hated it, but was unable to stop it.**

**"First there was Riley. He was a really good man, and I could have possibly loved him deeply, given time. We only had three short months though. He was a member of a secret government operation. They captured and studied demons." She knew that he knew this, because of Spike, but she had to start somewhere, and this felt good. "He was killed while on patrol with his two friends, Graham and Forest. We never had a chance at anything. It wasn't fair, he was a good man." She looked up at Angel, trying to gauge his reaction to hearing her talk about the men that she had replaced him with.**

**"Then there was Jared. We met over the summer after Freshmen year. I wasn't wanting to date anyone, but he was persistent. He was so amazing. He was funny, smart, charming, handsome; everything that little girls wish for in their future husbands. We dated for two months before he asked me to marry him. We had gotten serious really fast, but it just felt right." She looked down when she saw the pain flash across Angels face. "I had tricked myself into thinking it was right. I was so lonely, and scared of ending up alone for the rest of my life, that I told myself that I loved him. That he was the one I was meant to be with, forever." She took a steadying breath, and continued, "We got married the following April. I was so happy, in the beginning. I had been able to fool myself for over a year, but then someone accidentally mentioned you in front of me, and all those memories came flooding back.**

**"I tried to be a good wife for Jared. I tried to love him, the way he deserved to be loved, but I couldn't. He eventually figured out that he didn't actually have my heart, and it hurt him. He started having an affair in November, but I didn't say anything. I didn't think I had the right to. We kept up the front of the happy couple in front of our friends and family, but when it was just us, it all came out. We would argue, and eventually avoided each other unless it was absolutely necessary."**

**Angel waited for her to finish. Willow hadn't told him this. He thought that everything had been just fine, till three weeks ago. *Of course she wouldn't have told me. She didn't know. Buffy just said that they had played the happy couple in front of everyone.***

**"He wanted to know about the person, who was keeping me from him, but I couldn't tell him. I couldn't talk about the man, who I had loved with every fiber of my being, but who had left me brokenhearted." Buffy's voice caught on the sob that was trying to erupt.**

**Angel pulled Buffy into his embrace while she struggled with the tears. *Oh, Buffy. Baby, I'm so sorry for hurting you like this.* It was killing him to see her in so much pain, he had always hated it. He also felt partly guilty for it. If he hadn't left her, she wouldn't have had to have gone through ANY of this. Of course there was the possibility that the pain she would have suffered being WITH HIM would have been worse. Stroking her hair while she cried, he murmured words of love and comfort in her ear. "Shhh, Sweetheart. Everything's going to be ok. You'll see." He placed a small kiss in her hair.**

**Buffy felt Angel place a gentle kiss in her hair, and thought that she heard him whisper "I love you" in her ear. Her heart literally skipped a beat, at the thought that he loved her still. *Oh, Angel I love you so much. Come back to me. I need you.* She knew that she couldn't ask him that, but she hoped that he'd come to that decision on his own. Pulling back, she looked into his eyes, and silently pleaded with him, to come back to her. To love her once more.**

**When Buffy pulled back and looked at him, he saw the pleading in her eyes, and knew what she needed. He also knew that he couldn't give it to her. *How am I going to do this? How can I walk away from her, when she needs me so much? But, how can I not? Kate and Megan need me too, and I can't abandon my wife and daughter.* Angel wiped away her tears with his thumbs, and placed a kiss on her nose. Knowing that he had to do this now, while he still had the courage, he said, "Buffy, I have to go."**

**"What? Why?" Buffy couldn't believe that he was leaving her already. *He just got here. I need him to stay here with me.* "Angel, please stay."**

**Angel knew that she meant more than just staying for a little while longer. She meant, stay forever. With an anguished heart, he murmured the words that would hurt her the most, "Buffy, I can't. I have to get home."**

**Buffy felt her heart stop at his words. He wasn't going to stay with her. He was going to leave her once again. In a small voice, she asked the question she was afraid to get the answer to, "Why Angel? Why can't you stay with me?"**

**"Buffy, I don't know how to tell you this." Angel struggled with the words. He knew that this was going to hurt Buffy, probably worse than Jared ever had. Looking her in the eye, even though he knew it was going to kill him to see the pain, he said, "I have to get back to my wife and daughter." Angel wished at that moment that he had a stake in his hand. He would gladly stake himself, if it meant that he didn't have to see the pain and anguish in Buffy's eyes. He could see the shock, his words had given her.**

**Buffy felt as if her heart had just been ripped to pieces. Angel was married, and had a daughter. *Angel got married. Oh, my god. Angel got married?!* All she could do was look at him, and hope that this was all a dream, or at least a joke, granted it would be a very bad joke, if it were. "Wife?..... Daughter?" Was all Buffy could manage to get out, and even then it was barely more than a whisper. She couldn't believe it. Angel had married someone else, and they had a child. It was impossible. She shook her head, in denial. "No. You can't be."**

**Angel hated himself for doing this to her. *I knew I shouldn't have come here.* "Yeah. Buffy I'm sorry."**

**"How long? Who is she?" Buffy didn't really want to know. The only thing she wanted was to crawl into a hole and die. She felt as if she were dying already. The only man she had EVER really loved, had married someone else. *He promised me he'd love me forever.* "Angel? You said you'd love me forever. You promised." She looked at him with eyes that reminded him of a frightened child. "Don't you love me anymore? How could you marry some other woman?"**

**Angel moved to take her in his arms, he couldn't stand to see the hurt in her eyes, but she scooted just out of his grasp. "Buffy, I....." He didn't know what to say. "I do still love you. More than ever, I love you. I wish that I could change things for you Buffy, but I can't. The fact is I'm married, and I can't leave them." Taking a breath, that he didn't need, he continued, "I met Kate shortly after moving to LA. She was a contact that I made with the LAPD. We helped each other with various cases, and became friends."**

**"She was dating a fellow officer, who was with the narcotics unit. Last February, he was killed in a drug raid. The unit was ambushed, and everyone was killed."**

**Buffy could remember hearing about it in the news. Despite being in pain, over Angel's marriage, she felt sympathy for Kate's loss too.**

**Angel reach for Buffy's hand, and silently sighed with relief when she didn't move out of his grasp. "Well, Kate was really devastated by it, and I did my best to comfort her. About a week after the funeral, Kate found out she was two months pregnant. She was scared, but determined to keep the baby, as it was the last link she had with Patrick. She loved him so much, that she was glad to have a happy reminder of him. I told Kate that I would be there for her, whatever she needed, I would help her with.**

**"When Kate was four months pregnant, they diagnosed her with cancer. It had already spread some, and she had to start treatment right away. She declined to have them, when they told her that it could harm the baby. Her biggest fear was dying, leaving the baby with no family. Kate's own mother and father were dead, and she had no brothers or sisters." Angel was idly stroking the back of Buffy's hand as he spoke. He reveled in the touch of Buffy's soft hand when she absently placed her other one on top of his and squeezed.**

**"I asked Kate to marry me, and give the baby the family and security she wanted for it. She accepted, and we were married June 14. The rest of the pregnancy went fine, and Megan was born September 13." Angel smiled at the memory, which didn't go unnoticed by Buffy.**

**Buffy couldn't help the pain that went through her, when she saw the way Angel was smiling, at the thought of his daughter. *It should have been me. I should have been the one he had a child with, even if it wasn't his by blood.* A few tears snaked down her face, before she could stop them.**

**Angel, again, wiped the tears from her face. "I'm sorry Buffy. I know this is hard for you, and that you're hurting. I hate that I'm the one hurting you, again. It seems that's all I ever do, bring you pain. I thought you were happily married to Jared, Buffy. I didn't think I would ever be able to get you back. I asked Kate to marry me, because I could help her that way, and I thought it was hopeless with us. I don't love her, Buffy. Not the way I love you. I never could."**

**He looked down as he said, "But I can't leave them. They need me, and..... I need them." Having Megan in his life was the greatest blessing he'd been given. Well, after Buffy giving him her love. His only regret about the decision he'd made, was that Megan wasn't Buffy's. The only thing that would have**   
**made everything perfect, would have been Buffy giving birth to his daughter. Images of Buffy giving birth to his child flashed through his head, and a few tears welled up in his eyes, at the beautiful sight.**

**"I understand."**

**Angel looked back up into Buffy's eyes to see that she did understand. Buffy had always been the only one to truly understand him. Angel saw Willow walk up to the DJ, and about a minute later another slow song came on.**

**"Dance with me one last time?" Buffy asked.**

**Standing up, Angel took Buffy's hand, and once again, led her to the dance floor. Buffy moved into his arms, and together they moved in time to the music. Neither talked, they just relished the feel of each other, and listened to the words.**   


**_We both know that I shouldn't be here,_**   
**_This is wrong._**   
**_And baby it's killin me, it's killin' you,_**   
**_Both of us tryin' to be strong._**   
**_I've got somewhere else to be,_**   
**_Promises to keep._**   
**_Someone else who loves me,_**   
**_And trusts in me, fast asleep._**   
**_I've made up my mind,_**   
**_There is no turning back._**   
**_She's been good to me,_**   
**_And she deserves better than that._**

**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do._**   
**_To look you in the eye,_**   
**_And tell you I don't love you._**   
**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie._**   
**_To show no emotion,_**   
**_When you start to cry._**   
**_I can't let you see,_**   
**_What you mean to me._**   
**_When my hands are tied,_**   
**_And my heart's not free._**   
**_We're not meant to be._**   
**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do._**   
**_To turn around and walk away,_**   
**_Pretending I don't love you._**

**_I know that we'll meet again_**   
**_Fate has a place and time_**   
**_So you can get on with your life_**   
**_Ive got to be cruel to be kind_**

**_Like Dr. Zhivago,_**   
**_All my love I'll be sending._**   
**_And you will never know,_**   
**_'Cause there can be no happy ending._**

**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do._**   
**_To look you in the eye,_**   
**_And tell you I don't love you._**   
**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie._**   
**_To show no emotion,_**   
**_When you start to cry._**   
**_I can't let you see,_**   
**_What you mean to me._**   
**_When my hands are tied,_**   
**_And my heart's not free._**   
**_We're not meant to be._**   
**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do._**   
**_To turn around and walk away,_**   
**_Pretending I don't love you._**

**_Maybe another time, another day._**   
**_As much as I want to,_**   
**_I can't stay._**   
**_I've made up my mind,_**   
**_There is no turning back._**   
**_She's been good to me,_**   
**_And she deserves better than that._**

**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do._**   
**_To look you in the eye,_**   
**_And tell you I don't love you._**   
**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie._**   
**_To show no emotion,_**   
**_When you start to cry._**   
**_I can't let you see,_**   
**_What you mean to me._**   
**_When my hands are tied,_**   
**_And my heart's not free._**   
**_We're not meant to be._**   
**_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do._**   
**_To turn around and walk away,_**   
**_Pretending I don't love you._**   


**When the song was over, Buffy pulled back and looked Angel in the eye. "I love you. I always have, and I always will. Don't forget that."**

**"I know." Angel had to swallow the lump in his throat, to speak. "And I love you Buffy. No one but you. Don't you forget that. Just cause we're not together, doesn't mean that I don't think about you every day. Never forget that you are loved." Angel kissed her one last time, and turned to leave.**

***Keep walking Angel. You have to. They need you. Keep walking.* He could hear her start crying behind him, and Angel had to force himself to keep walking out the door. He'd left her once before, but _this_ was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. To leave her a second time, felt as if he were tearing his own heart out. Finally arriving at his car, he climbed in, and drove off. *I love you so much Buffy. Forever.***

_THE END_

  
  
  


**OK, so what do you think? I wrote this story three years ago, and have posted it on a few fanfic sites, but just now am posting my stories here. Yes, I'm a B/A shipper, as if you couldn't tell. I want feedback, but if you're just going to criticize the story cuz you don't like B/A, just keep it to yourself please. _:)_**


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